The Purple Scarf

           Thoughts, what are they and where do they come from exactly?  I often find myself lost in various thoughts about life and daily happenings.  Thoughts of how can I do this better or thoughts of what's next, why am I feeling this way... Then there are those really random thoughts of things that come to you that make me say WOW! I should have forgotten about this years ago, why does this particular thing/thought/memory keep coming back to me and why now?  Usually when these very random ones come in I just experience it and let it go.   However, today was a little different.  Today I was in the car driving and a vision of a purple scarf in a gift box came to me after I had been praying for some past loved ones that have left.  So as I sat there driving, I thought to myself why has this image recently kept popping up in my mindless wandering.  So I asked God, and who came to be but the loving spirit of Abel to deliver me the message.  I love receiving messages from God, but I must admit I absolutely love when they come delivered from Abel.  We miss him.  Lately it's felt like he's right here with us just observing not saying anything and not delivering any sort of energy other than his neutral presence into my awareness.  It is difficult sometimes knowing that he is right here with us and yet I can't just reach out and touch him.  So rather I've started energetically sending my love out to him and I know he enjoys receiving it.

After asking why does this image of the purple scarf keep coming to mind?  Abel finally was able to step in and deliver me the message.  Abel took me back through various moments before there ever was a purple scarf.  He showed me visiting my Great Grand Father William Walden.  Our family had taken a trip to Connecticut to visit him for his wedding.  My Great Grandmother had passed away a couple of years earlier, and since that time he had developed a new relationship with another women Rosemary. As kids we liked Rosemary and were happy to welcome her into our family, and we were even more excited to have another Great Grandparent added back into our lives.  During that visit we were at some type of store, and I remember at the time my favorite color was purple and I kept gravitating to all the things that were purple, and that is what I was shown.  

From there, Abel took me through some other memories of my Great Grandfather through the years, teaching us how to play poker for dimes, sneaking popcorn out of the bag on our way to see the 4th of July fireworks, and teaching us how to be kind to others through example.  I cannot remember him ever correcting our behavior, but rather he simply lead through example, he was a gentleman in the truest of forms.  He always held open doors for others always verbally expressed his appreciation for the kindness of others, and even coined the term in our family "Thank You for Your Courtesy", which today is not heard or spoken by anyone in our family without, feeling his presence within us.  This man whom we called Great Grandpa Bill was in fact not even really our grandfather in the biological family sense of things.  For he married my Great Grandmother Grace, well after the arrival of my Grandmother, but it didn't matter to us because he was family and we all loved him.  One year Great Grandpa Bill and Great Grandma Rosemary came to visit; it was shortly after all the holiday festivities.  They brought use each a gift.  I can remember we were having a fancy meal at Mountain Jacks Steakhouse and I was 8 or 9 years old at the time.  We were kids and so excited for presents wrapped up in beautiful packages with pretty bows and ribbons.  I remember opening mine excited to see what I might find, and yep you guessed it, the purple scarf.  It was a deep rich almost royal purple colored scarf, it was soft and had fringe on the ends of it.  I remember thinking after opening it, what a scarf, what do I need this for and it's purple yuck.  I remember looking up to say Thank You to them for my gift and as I was doing so I remember Great Grandma Rosemary saying to me and its purple your favorite color right?  I extended the courtesy to her and said yes it was and told her how much I liked it and even wore it out of the restaurant.  

See this right here is what is so amazing about Abel and how he teaches me.  All he had to do was simply show me all the various pieces without saying a word and then I am able to understand, what it is I'm supposed to be learning/seeing/getting. What a wonderful way to get a question answered.  I could elaborate but I'm assuming you get where this is going and where I am coming from.  

I remembered that simple gift because it was given with such love. It was searched for, it was a specific color, and it was beautifully and lovingly wrapped every detail of the exchange was perfect and beautiful.  After all gifts given with the best of love and intentions behind them are the best ones. However, as a child I was not fully able to understand this and was fearful of other children teasing me about it at school, but now as I've grown I can love and see the scarf and understand its meaning and the lessons it holds.  

Now you maybe be asking yourself do I still have the scarf and no I do not physically still have it.  Although apparently that doesn't matter because somewhere within me I still do have it and hold onto it otherwise this would not have kept coming back to me and resurfacing after all these years.  

After this mini lesson of realization my thoughts continued to take me further into this lesson, but I am going to stop here for now. Have you ever received a gift like this, a gift given with love but at the time you were unable to appreciate it?  

Are plans really our expectations?

Life is so interesting isn't it?  You really just never know for sure which way it may take you.  One morning fairly recently I woke and decided to jump in the shower.  For me the shower is not only a time for physically cleaning myself but it can be helpful in helping me to mentally cleans my mind and wake up/unwind.  Only problem is since kids my showers these days (ok let me be honest... if I get them) are often rushed or I have a kid in there with me and well that leaves very little opportunity for the previously stated.  When sharing the shower I just do what I got to do before the shampoo bottles are emptied or the bar of soap ends up under my feet.  I love that Eloise loves the shower and it is often a time saver from having to fill up the tub, for a bath for her, but sometimes as a person you just need those short intervals of time when you can be in your own space.    Alright back on track.  

I was in the shower and I was going through my usual thoughts of what I needed/wanted to get done that day and trying to reorganize, wake up, and collect myself.  Then all of a sudden in my mental rambling, BAM there is this huge stop sign in front of me. That shut me up, well mentally anyway and I just went about my hair washing.  After a good rinse, the mental chatter started up again in my head, saying...  "Why do you put expectation and set these silly must do's for your day?"  "Just accept the fact you don't know what to expect and go with it."  OK.... OK... I say to myself that makes sense just do what I can forget the rest it'll wait.  So the rest of my shower was spent in wonder of what unknown was going to come up for me that day.  I knew not to try and over think it.  I knew better than to try and hypothesis what it would be.  Frankly to be honest it was way to early in the morning for me to enter in that that kind of deep thought.  I just knew my day would be great whatever it turned out to be, and low and behold it was, a good day, nothing to extraordinary, just usual stuff, but I had a different perspective on my day and the ordinary was good.   Alright I'm not being totally honest here, most of my day was business as usual but the last part of my day was energizing.  I got to spend some impromptu time with my family, while at the same time viewing the Transit of Venus.  The best part was this all took place right in my own backyard.  

I suppose what I'm trying to get at here is it is all about perspective.  If we put expectations and plans on to many things then we can miss out on the real rewards and gifts of our day.  We can overlook the beauty of those moments we share with others, or the importance of the solitude we have with ourselves.  So I try to wake up expecting for the day to shift into what God's plan is for my day, and when those curve balls are thrown then it just makes them that much easier to catch.  

The Food Is My Medicine Mama

A night last spring Abel and I were up for his midnight snack as I came to call it.  During those late night hours Abel used to teach me various life lessons.   One night when we were talking, he looked up at me with his big blue eyes and said "the food is my medicine mama."  I being the mom and still trying to process what he had just told me quickly replied, "I know Abel".  However, Abel was not content with my inability to instantly comprehend the magnitude of what he was speaking to me, said "mama it's not just the food that is my medicine but the love that goes into it."  With that statement now firmly planted in my heart, I lifted him to my shoulder and hugged him tight and really thought about what he was telling me.  As I thought and processed, I was being taken on a journey that was Abel.   I was not only getting confirmation of my instincts being right, but I was getting a very important lesson.   These simple statements taught me so much but gave me even more.  
A year or so earlier when Abel had started eating solid foods, we were so excited. What a huge step for our little man (some doctors said he'd never be able to eat solid foods), but I was left with a question burning in mind.  What is really safe for him to eat?  With his condition (Zellweger's Syndrome) comes an inability to properly digest the very long chain fatty acids in his diet.  So I started down a path of looking up each foods chemistry I was giving him and accessing it for the breakdown of the  different types of fatty acids.  This became a long, complicated and grueling process that was making me dizzy.  Then one afternoon I was holding my Bo-Bay-bler, as we called him, and the answer was then planted into my head and it felt perfectly right.  It was the voice of someone else, saying "Abel should be Vegan."  I was repeating the words to Jim (my husband) as they were being spoken to me.  I then couldn't believe what had come from my mouth.  Did I really just say that?  Wait is that really the right choice?  As I'm thinking these thoughts I'm verbally rationalizing it all to Jim, it was certainly an AH HA, WOW, moment.  Well from that day forward Abel was officially a Vegan.  I went right to work expanding his food horizions with confidence that I was doing the right thing.  Little by little we were introducing new foods with great success.  I made all his food from scratch at home, I'd make big batches of things and then methodically puree it, freeze it in ice cube trays, then once frozen dump it out into freezer bags labeled with the date and name of the food on each bag. This sounds fairly simple, but when your boy can eat a tray of food a day, you sure can go through a lot of food quickly, and then for a while there Eloise was sharing Abel's food so I was making bigger batches more frequently yet.  I have to admit I was getting tired after all I was running my dishwasher 2 times a day and hand washing additional things 2-3 times a day.  I was giving my children all organic homemade food, but I wasn't letting go of my convictions to what I knew in my heart was best for my kids.  I would think to myself seriously I'm a stay at home mom who rarely gets out other than appointments, has regular assistance in the home from other family members, I send others to the store for me and I still can't seem to get caught up.  So hearing those words from Abel changed my life and whole thought process. 
I have to admit I think I'm still grasping the magnitude of that statement.  I made the food with the best and purest ingredients I could find, and yes I always did it with love.  I was nourishing my children from the inside out with love.  The food that we eat is very important to our beings.  In our home we sacrafice many things in order to have high quality food to eat and nourish our bodies with.  However, eating wholesome top notch foods is an investment in ourselves.  Eating organic home cooked foods minimally processed has subtly, over time change us.  I like to think I have more focus, energy, stamina, clarity, emotional balance and the list goes on.  
Did you know organic foods tend to house 50% more nutrition over non-organic foods.  So you say it's to expensive, well you can eat 50% less and still get what your body needs.  Costs associated with organic foods can sometimes be astronomical so here's our rule for the foods, the rest of the family eats (Abel always ate all organic).  If the organic food is more than double the price of non-organic foods then we go with the non-organic, except on certain items (e.g. eggs, dairy and produce when available).  There are many more advantages to eating organic I could add here but for now, I'll leave it at this and include more in some future posts.  I will say this though if you don't know what GMO foods are or the dangers of them, then please, do some research on it. 
At Abel's service we prepared a vegan meal using some of the foods he would often enjoy (although we did not puree them).  I choose to have the food for the service prepared in our kitchen.  I felt like the food should be prepared in the same kitchen as Abel's always was. We had a small crew of family and friends who graciously offered their time, skills and assistance to prepare all the food, every single one of them did it with love in their hearts and it was a very warming and touching afternoon.  The amount of love that was pouring into the food was so strong that it filled our home, and spilled out of our house.  The energy was so intense that I had to leave the house and go for a walk to help me put it all into perspective.  
Since the service I have had a number of requests for the recipes of the foods served at the service.  I have to tell you all these recipes were not followed very closely we used them more as guidelines and never measured a thing, we just poured, dumped or chopped until it felt right.  So, no promises that the recipes will taste the same or close to the same, but here are a few of them...


Recipes:

Simple Vegan Black Bean Soup
Ingredients (use vegan versions):
4 (15 ounce) cans organic black beans, divided
1 (15 ounce) can organic
diced tomatoes
2-3 cup organic cooked quinoa
1 tablespoon olive oil
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 medium red onion, diced
2 carrots, peeled and sliced
2 cups vegetable stock
1/4-1/2 cup fresh herbs, chopped (I use parsley and cilantro)
1 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon smoked paprika
Add salt and fresh ground pepper, to taste


Directions:
1. Place 1/2 the beans and the tomatoes in food processor, and process until
smooth. Heat olive oil over medium heat. Add garlic, onion and carrots. Sauté until
tender, about 7 minutes.


2. Add broth, spices, herbs, bean puree and the rest of the beans to the mix. If
you like a more brothy soup, add 1/2-1 cup more stock. If you like a thicker soup,
reduce broth from 2 cups to 1 1/2 cups.


3. Reduce to very low heat. Cover and simmer slowly about 20 minutes, stirring
every once in a while to prevent the beans from burning at the bottom of the pan.


This soup tastes great with a small scoop of brown rice. Serve with warm whole
wheat tortillas and a salad for a completely satisfying meal.
Serves: 10-12, Preparation time: 20, Cooking time: 20



Broccoli Salad
Ingredients (use vegan versions):
1 head broccoli florets (larger pieces cut into bite size pieces)
1/2 cup golden raisins
1/4 cup red onions 
3 tablespoons white wine vinegar
2 tablespoons cane sugar
1 cup vegan mayonnaise
1 cup sunflower seeds, toasted


Directions:


If using vegan bacon slices, prepare them now and then, drain and crumble.


In a large mixing bowl, combine the broccoli florets, onion and raisins.


In a medium size bowl combine the vegan mayonnaise, white wine vinegar
and the cane sugar.


Mix well and pour over the broccoli mixture, toss until well coated.
Refrigerate for 2
or more hours.


Before you serve, toss with the vegan bacon or Baco's and sunflower seeds.


Makes: 6 to 8 servings, Preparation time: 15 minutes

Asian Slaw

Ingredients (use vegan versions):

1 large cabbage, shredded

4 green onions, chopped

1 cup slivered almonds, toasted

1/4 cup sesame seeds, toasted

3 tablespoons dark sesame oil

3 tablespoons rice vinegar

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon black pepper

1 teaspoon grated ginger

Directions:

Combine all above in a bowl and stir

For a sweeter salad, add 1/8 cup sugar. I always end up adding garlic, too, because

I have addiction issues with garlic.

Serves: 5, Preparation time: 20 mins.

Enjoy and Happy Eating to all of you this Holiday Season!  

Living in the Moment

Busy times for all of us with the holidays here in the blink of an eye.  If you are like me you think you're done or almost done with that last bit of shopping and then remember something else you need to do or get for someone.  The holidays usually mean a time of busy, busy, busy and stress to make sure you get to everyone you need to.  However, this year is different for me.  Yes I'm still doing last minute shopping stuff, but the here and there and everywhere is not stressing me out.  I've living in the moment! Doing this has allowed for me to experience the magic of Christmas in a whole new way this year.  I'm actually loving it and saying to myself I will get those gifts wrapped when it's time and if not well then I will just stuff them in brown paper or plastic bags, and  present them from under the tree on a pillow.  Yes I agree the wrapping is pretty and the bows make it look over the top, but I'm not going to turn my hair any grayer than it already is trying to make sure it's done to idealized perfection.  I'm not lazy really I'm just practical.  After all we all have paths and journeys to take and right now I'm getting a full dose of living in the moment.  The only time we have is NOW.  Yesterday will always be yesterday and tomorrow will always be tomorrow, but NOW will always be Now.  The moment and living in it takes me fantastic places and is providing me with magical haze around all I'm doing.  Sure I theorize about what to do next and try to make plans and aim for things but I'm not going to force anything if it doesn't work out then oh well it will another time in a different moment.  Lately things have just been falling into place all around me.  I'm sure it's because I'm following my heart, and it's allowing things to just be what they are supposed to be when they are supposed to be.  So I suppose all this rambling should come to some sort of point.  So here it is... Live in the moment just do what you are being called to do and don't fight it or try and schedule it and amazing things can happen for you too.  Having no expectations sometimes is great, because when things turn into magic, you are free to enjoy that magic for what it is.

Oh and one more thing remember with me the gifts are a part of Christmas but the biggest part of Christmas is the Celebration of Life!

 I'm not sure if I'm going to have a moment for another post before the "official holiday dates" are here so in case I don't I want to wish all of you A Very Merry Christmas filled with Love, Peace, and Joy, in your whole being in all you do to celebrate in the magnificence of Christmas.

Where are we going

It's been to long.  Life since my last post is indescribable.  On Tuesday November 22nd 2011, my life as I knew it changed.  Abel Seth Nichols my son, passed on.  The last couple weeks have passed in what has felt like the blink of an eye.  Our family has been engulfed in love and prayer making the events that much easier.  We will always love, honor and carry Abel with us, as we always have just in a different way now.
When I started this blog I thought it was going to take on a very different direction, than it has so far.  I feel that it is going to be a very eclectic mix, of the things.  Please be patient with me while I figure out where all is going. However,  people have mentioned they'd like to see me incorporate some of my recipes and daily life tools I use that are helpful to me.  So here is a couple...
1. We have terribly hard water.  To keep it from excessively building up and staining in the washer and dishwasher I have found that 1/2 cup or so of Borax dumped with your soap as they are running seems to really do the trick.  Borax is a natural and safe alternative to traditional chemicals and as an added bonus it's cheap.
2. To help in keeping water spots off your dishes in the dishwasher, instead of Jet Dry simply poor straight vinegar into the Jet Dry dispenser part of your dishwasher.  Again this is safe, inexpensive and easy to do.

Self and Ego

Lately I have been thinking about what is Self and what is Ego.  They are two different words with similar meaning.  Yet, good ole Webster's seems to see them as different and so did I.   I have been internally working through some things lately on a personal level, and I was trying to figure out if it was my Self doing the talking in my head or my Ego.  I asked around, in a sort of secrete pole, and got interpretations all over the place.  Some people said they were the same thing.  Others said they needed to be separated.  While the majority fell someplace in the middle.  

Before kids I used to see most things in black and white.  Now after having kids I see most things in gray.  It really depends on your circumstance, morals, beliefs, time and place.  I now see rules, procedures, policies etc..., more as guidelines or goals.  People really need to be addressed as individuals and not groups, statistics, majorities or minorities.  As a society we are always trying to put people in boxes or assign/attach labels to them.  Well frankly that's bunk.  What's good for one is not always appropriate for all.  We are all different people and all of our own one self.  

So this brings me back to my question, that no one can give me (personally) a satisfactory answer to.  Finally after some more time, thought and discussion I realized why.  We all operate on our own free will, and our own thoughts, so therefore we can get input or guidance, but for this to have personal meaning that makes sense to me, has to come from within me.  It has to come from my situation, experience, knowledge base and personal belief system.  This is a conclusion I had to draw on my own, and one that will probably change as I grow, evolve and change in the avenues of my personal being.  

Now I can go on and on about the meanings of self and ego and how I differentiate between the two, but that would be pointless because to you it will not have the exact same meaning as it does to me and therefore would be a waste of every one's time.  However, if you are like me you want to know what conclusions I drew. So here is a brief summary…

Self and Ego may be two different words, but they cannot totally be separate.  We cannot have one without the other.  Our ego is like the impulsive immature child in all of us, that propels our self forward.  Our egos, desire reinforcement, essentially they need to be stroked from time to time.  Our ego best serves us when reinforced in a positive way that keeps it in line and functioning to move our self forward.  This can be done by others or by our own self thanking our ego’s when they have served us well.  Ego not properly reinforced, can easily take over and that is when problems arise.  Our self is like the wiser, seasoned teacher, keeping the ego in line.  Our self needs our ego for the ideas and inspiration to move us forward, but our self is the one that takes us through the steps, and makes us do the hard work to get us to where we are heading. Our self, desires reward too, but for self the reward can come from within its self.  

Seasons of Change

The shifting of seasons is a wonderful thing.  I love living in an area we are have four distinct seasons.    However, this year saying good bye to summer is a bit unsettling for me.  Many things in life seem to be shifting, right now as the door is closing on summer.  Last fall and winter was rough.  We said goodbye to my grandmother and Abel became very ill with pneumonia.  I spent last fall and winter in survival mode trying to hold myself together and keep Abel alive.  We managed but it is not a fate I would wish upon anyone.  With winter seems to come more illness and things seemed to get passed from one person to another more easily with kids in school and people being cooped up indoors.  Last winter I helped give Abel the medicine only a mother can give to a child, breast milk.  This last week I let go of my milk supply.  After two and a half years of pumping milk for Abel and nursing Eloise, I dried up.  This is a difficult thing for me, knowing all the wonderful immunities and healing properties that are passed  on to kids through breast milk.  Many refer to breast milk as natures nectar and I believe that.   I know it happened for a reason but it's still difficult to let go of something that's served my kids so well and been a part of me and my routine for so long.  However, I have to realize Abel is in a much better place then he was a year ago.  He's growing up and I have to allow him to do so.
Other things are shifting for me as well.  I realize I need to re find my sense of self and what it is I need personally.  I am feeling a strong need right now to be less dependent upon others, to reclaim my space, start giving back to others, eat better, make time for me, exercise and get back on the path of the journey that's mine.  I have a lot big things to get done and a lot of projects waiting to be started.  My first big task this winter is my book.  Yes, I writing a book.  It's a kids story about Abel and Dune and their adventures to a ball park.
I have a to do list miles long, and it will not get done unless I stop thinking and just start acting.  I just need to keep reminding myself just take care of the pieces and the list will take care of itself.